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WHISTLER-BASED CYNIC READY TO GIVE OPTIMISM A CHANCE

Roughly 14 storms ago, Biglines’ Editor at Large Mikey Nixon wrote an IPA-soaked piece about the jinxing effects of overclaiming the awesomeness of a weather event before it even happens.

The following day, while enjoying one of many sunny pow days on Blackcomb this year, he bumped into the crew from Doglotion, Biglines’ sworn enemy since the inception of the internet.

It was awkward, really, because Mikey had made fun of them in his article.

They responded with an article of their own.

The tension could have been cut with a snow saw. And it wasn’t long before Doglotion’s Jamie Bond busted out his G3 Backcountry Nun-Chuks and started spinning them threateningly.

Luckily, Mikey had his double-handed broadsword with him. And his longtime boardin’ partner, Dwayne Wolokowski, started to assemble his potato gun.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, the crew from Snowbrains (who Mikey also mentioned in his article) came down the stairs from The Horstman Hut wielding switchblades.

But as much as it looked like things were about to get settled on the slopes, the interaction took place on Holy Ground…that hallowed stretch between The Horstman Hut and Chainsaw Ridge.

In spite of all the stinkeye and foul language, the whole thing was mostly a display of solidarity.

Except, somehow, Doglotion’s Andre Charland ended up with a trident through his chest.

Nobody was all that concerned because:

  1. Andre’s pretty sarcastic.
  2. The shredding was all-time!

And it’s been that way since Mikey’s pessimistic post.

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Security Cameras outside the Biglines office in Golden, BC caught Andre Charland, pre-Trident injury, sabotaging our doorway with one of Doglotion’s cool new stickers.

We at Biglines aren’t sure what to do with Mikey. He’s a bit of an ass clown, really. Not to mention a Negative Nancy.

The last time we talked him, he was ready to give optimism a chance. But it’s snowed over 6 metres since his pissy little post, so we haven’t really heard back from him eh.

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Mikey was wrong about all those storms getting jinxed by the hype. By the looks of this photo from @mattyrichardo, he’s still managing to have a nice time.

 

* * *

When pressed to provide photographic evidence of the awesome conditions out Whistler way, Mikey just sent us a dropbox folder from local lensman, Andrew Bradley.

The email was short, containing only the words “This guy real good photoman”.

It was sent at 8:14 am, so we can only assume that Mikey was on his way to another terrible day on the slopes.

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Like this one here…………………………..Skier: Matt Elliot Photo: Andrew Bradley

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Or this one here, when legendary shred-dog Andrew Sheppard took a break from the world class skiing in Revelstoke to slum it at Whistler Blackcomb for a few days…………Photo: Andrew Bradley

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It just hasn’t stopped snowing on the coast…Nick McNutt has been using the extra snow volume to condition his flowing locks of beautiful hair……..Photo: Andrew Bradley

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With a such a steady supply of faceshots, it’s been a challenging year for Coastal beardsmen…….Skier: Nicolas Teichrob Photo: Andrew Bradley

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Looks deep eh? Keep in mind that Jesse Lieberthal (aka Blackcomb’s Manute Bol) is actually 7’7″……. Photo: Andrew Bradley

 

 * * *

A few days later, Mikey sent us another folder entitled “Ricky Ricardo Snow Porn” which, thankfully, contained a few epic shred shots:

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With all the cold storms pounding into the mountain, guys like Killah Cal Pettit found themselves dropping into lower mountain classics that hadn’t been hit in years…….Photo: Matty Richard

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The current wave of Pineapple Expresses will actually do the Whistler area some serious good. The snow’s been so cold that the high alpine’s actually been rockier than usual. But Ian McIntosh has been getting amongst it nonetheless…..Photo: Matty Richard

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With all the pow and cold, sunny weather, there’s been no shortage of jazz attacks and subsequent injuries this season. Matty actually stompahawked under The Crystal Chair and enjoyed a tender little kiss from his Dynafit toepiece…

 

***

After a while, we sent a team of ninjas to steal Mikey’s iphone and see if they could learn any more about the erratic movements of one of the world’s most mysterious internet bloggers.

Once they made their way through all the texts from his mom, they found these three photos here:

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Look at the romance in this photo!  And also that filthy stack of tasty, low-elevation pillows.

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In a folder entitled “Blaine and Dwayne”, this photo had already been captioned by someone calling themselves Blaine Wolokowski: “DWAYNE WENT BOARDIN’ THROUGH SOME ICE HOLES EH.”

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We thought that this photo here was symbolic of the fact that Mikey was ready to stop having epic, mountaintop battles with the other freeride websites and that he was ready, finally, to make pineapple juice out of pineapples.

 

Huge Thanks to Andrew Bradley and  Matty Richard for providing photographs from their season so far. Massive props to the crew at Whistler Blackcomb for keeping up with all that snow and another huge thanks to Doglotion and Snowbrains for putting up with Mikey’s shit!

 

 

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